Snow

Man, I don't remember the last time we had snow before thanksgiving but man I am not complaining. I love the snow and love winter.
Matthew was soooo happy that it was snowing, and he went and got all his stuff out to go play in the snow, so NOW officially all the summer/fall stuff has been put away for the year so that the winter stuff can come out (we live in a small place there has to be organization)
We sat for hours in front of our front window with Hot Chocolate (sugar free of course) and watched the snow fall.
Matthew leaned over to me 100 times, whispering that Santa is coming soon. He associated snow with Santa, CUTE!
Today he got in all his gear, boots, hats, gloves, scarf and went and made snow angels in the yard, it was sooooo cute!
Right now it is -4 outside, and I am thankful that I have a house that is so warm, as we know some do not, the news stated that homeless people will die tonight because it is so cold! That just breaks my heart. I am going to go serve the homeless a meal this winter, and donate lots of gloves and coats and hats to try to do my part to help.
Thanks giving is fast approaching, I am sure that i will have tons to write about that event.....

Bitter Sweet

Oh man I just LOVE the holidays!
I love the smells of the fall and the pumpkins and the Cinnamon. I love the baking of all the breads and pies, and just the warm feeling inside when it is so cold outside, I love winter.
I love seeing Matthews eyes light up at something new and I love hearing him explain how he knows it is winter or fall. "Mom the leaves are falling that means it is fall" Or "Mom it is snowing that means it is almost Christmas" What a smart little boy.

(This one is old but love it still)
I love taking him up to the mountains and experiencing what that is all about all over again thru the eyes of my little one. There is nothing more magical, then reliving all my childhood memories thru the eyes of MY BOY!
I am all about traditions and making sure that he has stuff to pass down thru his family too someday weather it be something that we do every year, Like the Polar express, or just inter tubing every year at the same mountain. Its all about him and what we do together that makes it all special.
The bitter part that rips my heart out of my chest and makes it so hard to breath is that my grandparents are not here to see it and be a part of it.
I cant breath
Everyone tells me it gets easier...WHEN???
Some days are just fine, some months are just fine, and then there are those days that I JUST CANT BREATH!
They should be here.
I think that a part of me has come to peace with My grandpa passing, it was not unexpected (which doesn't make it easier by the way) BUT still we knew he was going to pass, I still miss him sooo much, BUT GRANDMA was sooooooo unexpected I cant come to peace with it yet and it still hurts soooo bad.
My grandpa passed away in February, but we were having his service in April so that all his kids could be at the service. I will never forget the day as long as I live. I was headed to BEND to get the food for my Grandpas Memorial service when we got the call. GRANDMA had a massive heart attack, get to the hospital now. WE Spun the vehicle around on a dime in the middle of the road.
I was three months Pregnant with Matthe when Grandpa died so I was 5 months pregnant when Grandma passed away.
My son never got to meet them!
My Grandma Passed away on the morning of my grandpas memorial, she just didn't know how to live with out him and having to plan his service literally killed her.
Will it ever get easier?
Everyone says it will, but as I sit here with tears running down my face cause I miss her soooo much I don't know that it ever will.
She should be here sharing her secret recipes with me, not me having to try to remember what i saw her put in everything as I plan to host this years thanksgiving dinner, it should be me and her in the kitchen next Thursday!
Someday it is fine and someday it is hard
I know that there is a reason for everything, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
The holidays are a time of MIXED emotions for me, I love that I have my Matthew, he is my miracle, and I hate that I don't have my grandparents, I miss them so much!
(I know this one is cut off a little)

We little knew that day,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide.
And although we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Conference

Well Overall Matthew is doing well in school. He did not go to school last year and ALL the other kids in his class did, so teacher thought that he was a little overwhelmed since this was his first year in school.
WAIT...
WHAT???
I didn't know I was supposed to start him at 3 years old or he would get overwhelmed, I still thought he was too little this year, But thank God I started him this year instead of waiting until next year.
She also thinks that there might be a hearing problem, she will call his name and some of the other kids will too and he wont respond. So I will need to get that checked out. I thought so a while back too, and wasn't sure, but I played around with it tonight and I think it is more of an attention span thing then a hearing thing so not sure how that all gets figured out, but he could hear me even when we were in separate rooms and I was talking soft, HE WAS PAYING ATTENTION. When he would go off and NOT want to pay attention he, i think, CHOSE not to hear what I was saying.
But I will look into it. I am sure his Doc can test and let us know whats up.
I think he just needs to pay attention better.
That was about it that he needed to work on, on and he cant write his name legibly. We will work on that tomorrow. Mrs. Leonard said that Matthew is VERY smart and that if he pays attention in circle time he will easily EXCEED the other kids in the class, I am such a PROUD Momma!!!!!
Anyway, I think that the xbox time needs to be limited to an hour a day or an hour every other day and MAYBE a little longer on weekends, but I think it is taking attention away from school, and somehow I need to show that there is nothing that is MORE important then School, aside from his relationship with God.
So we will follow up with the hearing thing but I really don't think that is the issue, and OH WAIT, No insurance for another week or so.... I switched companies and it is taking FOREVER to get approved, but that is another story which I am sure I will be writing on soon as it is KEEPING ME UP AT NIGHT!!!!!!

Parent Teacher conferences

OMG, I have my first Parent/Teacher conferences today!
I am so excited to find out about how Matthew is really doing. His papers that he brings home look like he is doing really well but I want to hear about everything that happens in class.
I am sure I will write more tonight after the conference.

Losing Strength

I recently within the last year developed a close relationship with God, and have surrounded myself with God Fearing Christian People.
BUT tonight I feel further from God then ever.
I didn't go to church on Sunday and I haven't been to life group in 2 weeks.
I am frustrated
I am scared
I want to trust and I do...
I don't have the answers or even know where to begin.
I am not making sense in this I know...
I don't know what I am trying to say, I am frustrated and mad and angry and scared and did I mention mad.
I just want to cry!
Maybe that is what I need to do!
I need God to pull me thru this I just cant find the words!