Kids

Remember that show..."kids say the darndest things"? I thought as I watched that show years ago, man all those kids are coached to say some of those silly things, UNTIL I had a kid of my own!
Daily Matthew is Cracking me up with something that he says. He is such a comedian, where does he get some of these things??
Today we went to dinner at Madalines, and him and I stepped outside for a second while we were waiting for Dad and My mom to come out and he looks out into the street and then about 3 cars pull into the parking lot, He looks up at me and says "Look at all this traffic mom, What is this town coming to?"
WHAT??
That sounded like something a 70 year old man would say, In fact I am sure that when I was growing up my GRANDPA did say stuff like that, But where would Matthew get that from???
He made me laugh so hard I had to go back in and use the little Girls room!!!
He cracks me up

School

WOW I do not know what I am going to do with my self, My son starts school in one week!!! How did that happen???
He was just a baby!
Now he is off to school!
Its just preschool but what will I even do with my self for three hours a day?
I have no idea what to do.
He is so excited tho so hopefully he does good in school.
He is so smart and tells me that he is ready for school and can not wait for school!

Mission

You know I learned over the last couple days, not to make fun of my mom!
She is never patient when it comes to anything, she wants everything right then and there. And I discovered that I am the same way, I think that I actually already knew taht, but it really reared its ugly head the last two days!
I wanted to redo Matthews room, he wanted a new bed and I wanted a new bed for him, I searched and searched and chassed ads and drove all over the place for two days trying to find the right bed!!!
Craigslist is amazing and somewhat helpful, Somewhat more difficult at times too.....UGGGG
We ran here for a free bed, Ran there for a bed for 25.00, ran this way and that way and FINALLY today found the right bed!
Matthew has not gotten out of the new bed since we brought it home!He keeps saying that it is time for bed mom!
So cute and I am so glad that he likes it!

That time of year again

That's right my birthday is quickly approaching......
I had to use a calculator to see that I am really turning 32. What? 32? How did that happen?
So birthdays always bring that time of reflection... am I where I thought I would be at age 32?? Well, that is hard to say. I am married (still), I am a Mother, which I never thought I would get that opportunity, I am unemployed, I Own a 1998 Tahoe, And I Worship and praise an amazing God!
So with all that said, what matters most?? That God has lead me right where I need to be and success is viewed thru his eyes not mine.
So I guess this years birthday comes easier as I know that I walk with God and his plan is being fulfilled!
Happy Birthday to me, may I live to see my son grow up in a healthy happy christian home, and God willing maybe in the next year or two I can give Matthew a little brother or sister.

Writers Block

I have so much going on and so much to say and feel, and I log on here and I cant find the words.
I cant sleep tonight (theres a surprise) but what is really on my mind tonight?
Are there so many things that I just cant narrow in on one? How do I get my mind to stop racing thru the thousands of things on my mind?
Like, Will I ever get this surgery? I thought so, I thought that everything was taken care of and all was ready....then the set back, It may only be a couple weeks longer, but still yet another set back and then that leads to stress around....
THE INSURANCE, No job, But ohhhh you can take the insurance with you, but it'll cost ya. Ya it costs alright, it cost so much that I can not take the whole family, Dean will not have insurance as of September 1st. Then that leads into more stressful thinking, what will we do there, How do we get all his stuff set up on the reservation so that he can still see Doctors?
What happened?
How did we go form doing just fine, to wondering how the hell we will make it?
Of course I can not help but blame me for all that is happening, How did I lose my job? Why did I lose my job? What did I do that made me a target? SO all the guilt of losing my job keeps me awake at night.
I get the normal responses..."It will all be ok!" "God has a plan" from everyone that I know, But that has lost its comfort as we are in week three with still no unemployment benefits, and no real concrete answer as to when that will be approved.
I pray and I beg God for direction, but maybe I am not being specific enough, Maybe I am losing my Faith a little, maybe i am starting to question. If I feel all alone am I? I know that I am not supposed to be all alone, I have been a christian and a faithful person for years, But I feel that God has left me here to struggle worse then ever, I know that is not true, so then I beat my self up about even thinking that.
I did NOT get up and go to church last Sunday, and that is killing me. I know better, and I know that I need to be there more then ever, and all I did was make excuses as to why I didn't go, But I know that the reason is deeper then I just didn't feel good.
I am struggling to Keep the faith, I haven't touched my bible in a week and I am struggling with that too.
While I am struggling with my faith, my husband is not being supportive either, and not helping matters at all, which is causing us to fight more often, to add to everything else, But I guess that is not something I should go into right now. I think at this point I have talked enough and need to just deal with the mentioned above.....
I am taking a hike at Smith Rock tomorrow with a friend and I am excited to spend some time with her, maybe she is the insight that I need right now. Well I guess I did find some words after all!
I am headed to try and sleep!

I keep Walking

Psalm 38

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage!

Your arrows have struck deep, and your blows are crushing me.

My guilt overwhelms me— it is a burden too heavy to bear.

My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins.

I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.

I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.

My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind

For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.

But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done.

Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God.

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior. (NLT)


How often it happens that I sit down and read the Word and it is exactly and magnificently perfect for what I am dealing with right now.

But actually when I first opened the Bible this evening, I was in no mood to read it – all too hard. Mind was elsewhere, took discipline to read it anyway, even when I didn’t feel like it. And my determination led to me reading the above Psalm and to be massively affected. Those final two lines are my lines today:

Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God.

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.

The key is that I am not alone, in the risen Christ I have new life! Yes there are trials, yes there are moments of massive struggle, but the key is discipline. Through these times I just keep going: keep reading the Bible, keep praying, keep praising, keep serving, and keep facing my sin. Even when I don’t feel like it. I will work on my faith even when I don’t feel like it. I will just keep walking, trusting in my amazing and awesome Lord!

Sleep!!!!

I have forgotten what that is.....
With the stress and everything that is going on i just can not sleep!
Last night I found my self tossing and turning so much it keep my husband awake.
There is just no way to shut my mind of with out pills.

I had to get up and take my anxiety pills just to get to sleep...ugggggg
with the anxiety pills, they give me a major headache so i missed church this morning cause it took me an hour just to pull my head off the pillow....
UGGGG when will this end?

Maybe when U get a job with insurance, Maybe after we pay the insurance that I get to keep from my job. I don't know but I can not take much more of this.......

Love is Patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

Love works. It is life’s most powerful motivator, and has far
greater depth and meaning than most people realize. It always
does what is best for others, and can empower us to face the
greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love.
Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen. Love changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful with it. No marriage is successful without it.

Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those
pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love
are extensions of these two attributes.

With patience.
Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you
choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative
situation. You are slow to anger. You have a long fuse instead
of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding,
love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those
around you. Patience brings an internal calm during an external
storm.
No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you
to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of
anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of
its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually
generates additional problems.
But patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip, more than clapping a and over your mouth, patience is a deep breath.

It clears the air.

It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil.

If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate or stay
under control? Do you find that anger is your emotional default
when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather
than medicine.
Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something
is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don’t get what
you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional
reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or
evil motives.
Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn’t rush to judgment
but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience
stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but
waits to see the whole picture before passing judgment.

The Bible says, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but
he who is quick-tempered exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war
zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. “A hottempered
man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute”
(Proverbs 15:18).

Statements like these from the book of Proverbs are clear principles with timeless relevance. Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy.

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human.
It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made,
it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct
it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in
your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.

But can your spouse count on having a patient wife or husband
to deal with? Can she know that locking her keys in the
car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning
lecture that makes her feel like a child? Can he know that
cheering during the last seconds of a football game won’t invite
a loud-mouthed laundry list of ways he should be spending his
time? It turns out that few people are as hard to live with as an
impatient person.

What would the tone and volume of your home be like if
you tried this biblical approach: “See that no one repays another
with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for
one another”? (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally.
But a wise man or woman will pursue it as an essential
ingredient to their marriage relationship. That’s a good starting
point to demonstrate true love.
This journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve
to possess is patience. Think of it as a marathon, not a
sprint. But it’s a race worth running.

Daily Hope

I do a lot of reading in my spare time, which seams to be a lot latley. With all that is going on I am fighting hard to not go into a depression and push everyone away... My faith is not as strong as it once was, as the hits of life keep knocking me down, I am tired, I am sad, I am angry, and I am frustrated.

With my daily readings I find that Rick Warren, a pastor at Saddleback Church, in California keeps me in check thru his writings...

This was todays...
Keep loving others by recharging emotionally


"So many people were coming and going Jesus said to them `Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" Mark 6:31 (NIV)
"Jesus was the most intensive, ministry-oriented person that ever lived, but He enjoyed life. When you're giving to others, it costs and exhausts. You need play time. "


When your emotional tank is empty you're unable to love others unselfishly. You just give up. You may have a sense of being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. You may even get angry at the ones you love the most. You may try to avoid people or view them as problems. You have no desire to love. You dream of getting away.

David had this problem. He said, "If I had the wings of a dove, I'd fly away and find rest." (Psalm 55:6 GW)

To love others you have to keep your emotional tank full because when it gets low, it's going to make a difference in your relationships.

The Bible has three suggestions for recharging emotionally:

Solitude -- You need time alone. Today's verse teaches us Jesus frequently withdrew from crowds when he needed to recharge himself emotionally. In this case there was so much hustle and bustle, Jesus says to the disciples, "Come apart for a while." (KJV) You either come apart or you will come apart. You need times of solitude.

Your emotions are like a battery. If you plug one light bulb into a battery, it will last for a fairly long time. If you plug 100 lights in, then it's going to drain real quick. You can't give love if your battery is drained.

Recreation -- There are certain things that recreate energy in your life and enthusiasm for life. For you it may be hobbies, a sport, a craft, or games. Experiment and find out what it is that recharges you emotionally, then make time for it.

One of my favorite verses is, "Jesus came enjoying life." (Matthew 11:19 Phillips) He was the most intensive, ministry-oriented person that ever lived, but he enjoyed life. When you're giving to others, it costs and exhausts. You need play time.

Laughter. "Being cheerful keeps you healthy." (Proverbs 17:22 TEV) There are studies that prove that when you laugh it increases the number of T-cells - and that raises your immunity level. It produces endorphins in your brain. Humor has beneficial effects.

God has given us the gift of laughter and we need to learn how to laugh. I've talked to couples who were in serious conflict in marriage. They say, "Someday we'll look back at this and laugh." I say, "Why wait? Why not just laugh at it right now?"

Laughter is a load lightener, an emotional recharger and a love rebuilder.

Doernbeckers

Follow up on Matthew, A1C still a little high, and change in meds again. We still have to do the 2 am checks since hos blood sugars are not stable thru the night like they should be.

It was a good trip to Portland this time since it was just one appointment at OHSU and not 4 like last time. so we were only there for a short time and Matthew did not lose patience. YAY

We stopped off on the way home and traded in out Tahoe for a car that will be better on Gas. YAY

Pain

Man it seams as tho lately I am learning so much. More then i have learned in the past about everything and anything. Anytime something comes up in life no matter what it is there is such an important lesson behind it.

Makes me think about what all i might have missed in the past just because I was not listening or paying attention to what the "lesson" in all of it was.

As I have developed a closer relationship with God I have learned to stop and listen.

A few months ago, maybe just about 2 months ago, I developed this HORRIBLE pain in my back. It would take my breath away with every move. I would sit at my mom's and just cry that it was SOOOOO intense. I went to our family doctor and we talked about it being in the muscle, and he did manipulation on it to make better. That hurt so much I left the doctor vomiting from pain. Every time I would MOVE it would take my breath away.

I took Muscle relaxers, Percocet and pain patches all together trying to just get the pain to stop and NOTHING and I mean NOTHING even came close to even easing the pain even just a little.

After much complaining and lots of tears a Friend talked with me about this being something more then just a muscle thing...I know what you are thinking, well what is it?

Sometime when we are in so much pain the "Message" gets lost, the Point that is trying to be made doesn't get heard. So Thur life lessons, God sent me this voice of reason saying think about when the pain started and think about if there is something in your life that God is trying to show you and you are ignoring.

I thought to myself....Self, this couldn't be pain cause by something God is trying to tell me, Could it? I mean this was a lot of pain.

So I ponder that all while still not being able to breath. Now this has gone on for a week and another trip back to doctor...The pain has spread (not moved, cause that would be too easy) but spread thru to the front rib cage as well, So Doc says it is a separated rib...everyone agrees and talks about it being so painful and they are sorry, BUT....

In my heart i knew that this was more then a separated rib.

Pain is a Fuel of passion - It energizes us with the intensity to CHANGE that we DON'T normally possess. Pain is God's Megaphone. It is God's way of arousing us from spiritual lethargy. My Pain, or Problems are NOT a punishment in any way, they are just wake up calls from a Loving God. God was not mad at me, He was mad about me and the way that he did not come first, and he was doing what he needed to do to bring me back into fellowship with him.

Once I realized this and prayed about my relationship with him, My back pain went away almost in that exact second. I learned that there is nothing more important then developing my friendship with God.

Paul told Timothy: "some people have missed the most important thing in life....they don't know God."

The truth is we are as close to God as WE choose to be, and I love that I have a new found relationship with him and an amazing church of believers that i now call family and home. Last Sunday I placed fellowship with the Redmond Christian church. (more to come on that in a later blog)

Deschutes County Fair 2010

I was looking back thru my Blog posts and I see that last year I posted pics and wrote about the fair so thought I better do this years too, since Matthew had so much more fun this year.


We go thru all the booths and exhibits, but all he is waiting for this year is the rides, he seams anxious and less scared. He runs over and screams about which one he wants to ride first. We are standing in line waiting to ride on one of the rides and next thing I notice he is visiting with a little boy about his age.


From that moment on they became best friends and ran to each ride saying that they were best friends! The little boy was at the fair with his grandma so her and i began to visit too.

Our topic of conversation was the boys of course, and how they became such good friends in a matter of seconds. Where do we lose that along the way? Adults to not become friends that fast.
What a great day!

Family Vacation

This years vacation was a long time coming and much much needed! We love the ocean and wanted that to be a part of our trip, but Dean had never been in to California and had never seen the redwoods. So the redwood national forest was our destination.

Our plan was HWY 101 all the way down! And we would get hotels AND camp all the way down..... Matthew had a different plan....

Our first stop was at Moe's in Florence. Love that place. Which triggered a great conversation with Dean and I. He doesn't understand that whole Moe's thing...He says we can get clam Chowder anywhere, which of course you can, but my grandparents always took us to Moe's so when I go there it is there memory that makes the place so special still.


We played on the beach in Florence, but were not planning on staying the night there, just played for a while and headed on down the coast. Bandon here we come.

We roll into Bandon get a hotel and head to the beach! Bandons attraction is the wildlife safari, so we knew we were staying there for a while.

The petting Zoo, Wild life Safari was so much fun. To see Matthew get so excited over what he was seeing, petting and doing was amazing. We held baby Leopards, feed a herd of deer out of our hands, and watched a Bear pose for pictures. What an amazing experience.


We decide we like Bandon enough to stay a second night. So we find an amazing campground and set everything up, this is where we learn of Matthew's plan....He does not like camping. This was news to us, since we have taken him camping every year since he was born....BUT what i learned when I was talking to Matthew was that he was afraid of Bears! Where did he hear that from??? Grandpa!! Grandpa said before we left that a bear will walk right thru that, and Matthew heard that and it stuck in his head. We camped anyway but assured him he was safe.

We packed up in the morning with no clue where we were staying next, it was fun and exciting. On the way down 101 we made lots of stops at all the parks, and overlooks and fixed lunch from the back of the Tahoe over looking the ocean. What a Beautiful view.

Our Final Destination was Carson City California, that is where we decided to stay!! What a fun place and just minutes from the Trees of Mystery!


We had such an amazing trip, it was so amazing to get out of town for a while.

Growing up SO fast

Happy Fourth Birthday Matthew!

Man it seams like just yesterday I was having Matthew, and yet he just turned FOUR!

How did that happen? Where did the time go?

Why is it that when you are a kid time seams to drag....cant wait to go to the school event....cant wait to drive......cant wait to graduate.....

And it all seamed like it took FOREVER to happen, Yet when you become an adult time seams to fly so fast.

I find my self saying more and more..."I just did that, and its time to do it again" because time just goes by so fast.

Matthew is FOUR now, he knows his ABC's all his numbers to 16 anyway, he can read his name and some words, can draw all his shapes and even some animals...WOW how time flies.

Four years ago you made your way into the world and when you were ready, there was no stopping you!!!

In honor of your birthday, I want to tell you four things you love right now and four things I love about you.

Four things you love: (besides Mom Dad and Grandma Debbie)
1. Thomas and Buzz Lightyear.
2. Your Dog Daisy.
3. Chicken nuggets and french fries.
4. Your Firends, Connor and Courtney, Karson and Sahalee, sometimes Gracee and the neighbor kids down the street! You love to enteract with other kids your age!


Four things I love about you:
1. That you Crack your self up when you do something funny
2. That you Laugh when other people are laughing even if you dont know why.
3. Your HUGE heart, You are so kind and sweet
4. How your little hand fits into mine, when you want to show me something and you lead the way!!!


I celebrate you all year round but Turning Four is pretty big deal, and now you are prepairing for school, which starts in a month

Blessing......... NOT

When you think about a blessing most automatically think of great things that have happened along the way, but most do not think about the BAD thing, or what we feel are bad things at the time.


When I think about blessings I have MANY, and they come in all shapes and sizes and are all packaged in a different way.

My latest blessing, was not package in any way that I would have ever hoped that it would be and it is a very scary place to be, but it is still a blessing.

I worked for the same company for 6 1/2 years, and my relationship with the company changed drastically on March 22 2010 when my son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had to apply for a continuous leave to care for him, and once he was released from the hospital, there was still additional care that needed to be done. Living in a very roural area we have NO pediatric endocranoligists so treatment, had to be given at OHSU in portland about 200 miles away.

With my work there is state and federal protected leave that can be used in this type of a situation, which i needed to care for my son. However what I did not know at that time was that once I started to use FMLA i became on a "list" with my work.

What was once a great place to work became a struggle to even make it thru the day...Daily there were new demands from my sup with mixed messages and unrealistic demands.

What became a very scary situation, a fear of the unknown, with a lot of prayer and turning to God, we put full trust in God that all would be well.

T-Mobile decided after 6 1/2 years I was no longer the right fit for the company!

The Church

So recently my Husband and I found a new chuch to call home! It was one of those things where we occasinally attended church but it was never "HOME".

So we went church "shopping" looking for a place to call home, and be a part of. We pulled into some parking lots of churches here in town and decided that was not the place, we attended one service and knew that was NOT the place for us.....

Then we pulled into the parking lot of the Redmond Christian Church......AWWWWW home at last, from the time we walked up the front steps we were welcomed as family like we had attended there for years. It felt good.

We attended the gateway meeting to find out what this church was really all about. Man oh man did i know that I was home. The scripute kept telling me that i needed to belong not just attend so last Sunday i became a member.

YAY i have a home. My husband is working on his faith and where he needs to be with God and I pray every day that he accepts God whole heartadly and become baptized and becomes a member of the church too.